100% Hot Dog Meat: New Restaurant

A controversial new restaurant serves what appears to be a normal menu, but customers soon discover that every plate has varied forms of 100% hot dog meat. Also, everything involving bread is the same materials as a plain 100% Wonder Bread bun.

We interviewed Hammish Smith the creator of the concept: “The idea was to have a place where everything tasted like the average dad barbecue. We thought about adding a second meat: severely overcooked 100% low grade ground chuck beef, like a dad burger. We also considered super tough rubbery chicken drumsticks with grocery store BBQ sauce. But we liked the simplicity of using the single hot dog meat.” He cleared his throat and displayed a goaded look, “Pardon me, we are not allowed to call it meat. It is a wonderful meat-like substance. Anyways, The restaurant will be aptly named ‘Bun Dog’.”

We asked if there was any real meat in the meat. He sharply added, “What a crazy question!”

We were taken to the kitchen, surprised to see a giant machine that works like a stainless steel Play Doh Fun Factory. A large man named Chuck chunneled a meaty pink slurry into the side bay port of the press, after a lot of grinding, the other side of the machine started to push out long tubes of various shapes. The growing tubes were cut at small intervals, and we saw imitation shapes being cut off and lightly sculpted to form shapes of each meat items on the menu. There were sculpted spare ribs, T-bones, beef wellington, shush-kababs, a pig’s head, and even tiny shrimp.

“Here have a taste,” said Hammish reaching out with a small sculpted shrimp, which wobbled and looked a little gelatinous.  No matter how many times he offered, I adamantly declined.