Burrito Earth Theory Triumphs Over Flat Earthers

“Flat earth was just a start: it’s actually based on it’s predecessor ‘Pizza Earth’,” said our unnamed expert. “Well things have taken a new turn, and burrito is now dominating the field. There’s no turning back, burrito is here to stay.”

While the shape of the Earth perplexed early philosophers for ages, no one has actually questioned the spherical nature of the earth in centuries, until the masses had access to smartphones, and mayhem hit the mainstream. Now 7 out of 10 people swear flat Earth is real. That’s a lot of people about to have their mind blown this week as the megalithic concept of Burrito Earth is about to take over.

“We can just see it so clearly, the insides of the Earth are hot and soft, like burrito filling. From great distances, the crust is like a slightly blemished tortilla. The facts are clear, we are living on a giant homemade version of the chimichanga.”

We continued speaking with our expert without casting judgment; we must see the depths of where this theory goes. There are questions and there must be answers:

“What part of the earth are the foldy-ends of the burrito?”

1. Bermuda Triangle
2. Afghanistan

“What part is the overlapping flap?”

• America

“What part is the bottom of the burrito, where the steam makes the tortilla wet and a little mushy?”

• Obviously the Rain Forest

The questions rolled on and on:

• is there shredded cheese inside Earth, or the oozy yellow kind?
• is rice a real filling or just cheap filler?
• why does Taco Bell give some people the “mad shits” and other people consider it a very stable dietary element?

The jury is dialing in the details, but we are definitely ordering Mexican for lunch.

Tonight as we all lay in bed, many of us will be thinking of the possibly delicious planet Earth in a new way, and some of us will follow that thought with a bean-a-riffic burrito fart of a lifetime.