Olympic 100m Dash Replaced with Calypso Pogo Sticking

“The pogo sticks are hi-tech inventions, and runners should be able to get a steady 14 foot bounce forward going. We don’t know exactly how we’re going to fix the calypso drums to the pogo sticks yet. We intend for actual 100 meter dash runners to just jump right into this event. At the end of the race they’ll have to hit a 20 foot hop and smash a pinata with a long tire iron, releasing hundreds of small candies for the little children to pick up.

[ Breaking Summer Olympic News Rollout]
This is just the start of many changes coming to the Olympics. TV ratings are dropping and we think these new events will make more viral reels to keep the games viable. We are being probed to evolve. We encourage the original event athletes to adapt, as we don’t want to remove anyone’s hero, or be accused of job killing anytime soon.”

More adjustments will be announced.