Schools Shooters Now Captured Alive and Peed On Daily

“If the whole school is given these retribution rights, that’s a punishment of up to 1,100 face p#ss#ngs every day, in a public stockade, for seven straight years. Yes that’s a deterrent.  During year 8, weekly Russian roulette begins,” said Varo Machezy, lawyer. “It’s definitely cruel and unusual punishment. I usually fight against sentences like this legally for clients, but I think we’re all exhausted of the senseless killings. Let’s give it a whirl.”

“So, they’ll be put into those wooden locks, like old times, and every day before school starts, the other students can pee on their face? Guys, you’re reading too much internet,” said Mrs. Mackell, middle school science teacher.

“Grim outlook,” said Mayor Ruby Whales, “I don’t like it. But I also don’t want the outcasts to turn my hallways into a goddam Call of Duty any more.”

“It’ll only take a couple public examples,” said police chief Ralph Giggins. “No one wants this kind of humiliation and torture. It’s the best deterrent. Of course we don’t want any doubt of innocence. This punishment will only go for active shooters caught directly in the act, with multiple sources of video evidence. We will also be weeding out any perverts who just like being peed on. If a pervert get busted, we’ll live stream them being force-fed 14 pounds of rotten meat daily, and they’ll be listening to Insane Clown Posse full-blast around the clock.”

“No one deserves Insane Clown Posse. No one,” said national human rights activist Ben Chaperen, “The rest of the plan is really messed up – but I draw the line at I.C.P. Just pull it, and I’ll back off.”