18 Year Old Takes on $980,000 Student Loan

“I thought it was an error, but it was Friday right before the bank closed. I think the adjuster stamped the loan with the wrong stamper,” said Brian Jells, loan officer. “But, I just kept my mouth shut cuz the adjuster is a d#ck. I had tickets to an acoustic Limp Biscuit revival show that night, and was about 13 minutes away from smoking a fat blunt in the parking lot anyways. Not my problem.”

Kelly Meeks, a public relations chairperson from a competing bank stated, “It’s not mathematically possible to pay these loans back in one lifetime unless the kid becomes a world class brain surgeon. I saw his photo ID when he applied for the same loan at our bank, and he looks real dumb, so probably not gonna happen. Either way Max Peeley just got a million in cash straight to his bank account.”

“I can see this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity though. Next week I’m going to reach out to Max,” said Brain Jells, “I’m going to dust off my film production degree and talk Max into letting me follow him around with a movie camera. I’m going to record his eminent financial demise, and we’ll probably have a lot of fun blowing his money as we do that.”

We reached out to Max and were finally able to ask him about his plans for the windfall: “Yo I’m gonna get a super stacked truck, a drift car, and pour hella bills at the ladies in the strip club.” We noticed two fresh face tattoos, and a lotta gold dripping from his neck and wrists. “Then I’m gonna turn my R.V. into a studio for my rap game to get all fired up. Me and the boys gonna merge blue grass and hip hop. Turn this milly to a billy.”

When asked what degree he would pursue he said, “Either a truck driver or a dentiss. Don’t care which. I like trucks. And I like people’s mouths.”

We then saw loan officer Brian Jells come around the corner smoking a huge blunt with his camera in hand, yelling, “I need to get this filmed, my dude.”