Genetically Modified Hippo: Loudest Farter in the World

Hippos are already known for quaking flatulence, but Chinese scientists, untethered by regulation, have genetically modified one special hippopotamus. “BooBoo the hippo has a perfect diameter of intestine, a complete imbalance of gut biome, and a scientifically perfect nether regions for fart amplification,” said Chinese PR specialist Wong Tukong.

Audio engineer Nolan Adams stated, “It’s like that B-hole was engineered by Bose engineers for extreme reverberation and sound projection.” He watched and replayed a close up of the gigantic pucker vibrating as BooBoo released one of his 42 second mega farts. “I couldn’t design a better vibrato bass speaker than that, for any amount of money.” Inspired, Nolan wiped a tear from his left eye, and found it difficult to speak for a moment.

We watched the remainder of the video in silence, listening to the sound of 1,000 richly deep farts escape BooBoo in such a way that reminded listeners of rare cello performances, mixed with exquisite tuba solos, and that beautiful haunting sound of a massive fog horn in the eerie twilight of Westchester Bay.

“It’s sonically untouchable, maybe the most perfect sound ever engineered,” said Nolan before sobbing hard seven or eight times.

“We are very proud of our achievements,” said young lab prodigy Fo Zinwan, “They brought me in from the most prestigious school in the country. I didn’t want to work on boring cures for cancer. I wanted to adjust the sonic capabilities of the b-hole for absolute sonic calibration. As a species, we should master the human fart as well, so we can fart with abandon, not embarrassment. Imagine a world where you can fart and people are truly interested in the unique sound you produce.”