Waterpark Fun Unless 142lbs

“The new Florida park is a blast unless you weight 137 to 147 pounds: that sweet spot leads to systematic bodily destruction,” said our local whistle blower. Anyone that size will get punished. In one visit you may get:

– multiple concussions
– severely Indian-rug-burned skin
– up to 4 eye gouges
– lashings and bruising

Our whistle-blower continued, “The physics of the rides don’t work for that weight. It was just poor design.”

We visited the park and interviewed several people who were easy to spot, as they had very visual injuries: “My head slammed into the hard slide plastic at least three times. That’s why I’m slurring when I talk.”

Another young man about his size walked by with a make-shift eye-patch and massive bruises down his left side. Beside him, his friend had a full gauze head-wrap like you see in movies, and his right side was just slapped red and irritated looking.

“Last week, a high school field trip took place: all sophomores, three busses full of them. Many of them hit near that deadly weight range. In a couple hours, the medic station was flooded with 34 kids with traumatic brain injuries and various damage to their bodies. If those buses show up, we wouldn’t be getting the attention the public deserves. This park is downright a danger to society.”

“Sure, there were a few slips and falls, but everyone else is completely fine, and really enjoyed the day!” said park owner Jim Bodi, while standing beside his permed wife, whose smile was huge, with eyes that didn’t blink. “It’s a water park, and Clumsy Calvins do take the occasional spill. No further comment.” Jim then forcefully pulled down on the camera lens before uttering, “You foul-mouthed shenanigan buster boy.”