White House Plumbing Backed Up With… History

Tragedy has struck White House plumbing in what was initially thought to be a terrorist attack. “There was a moment when I thought I was going to die,” said the President in an urgent press message. The prolonged sound of deep rattling within the walls, and a final big bang, alerted the secret service, who ran in shooting in every direction.

“This is a public service announcement to diversify your diet,” continued the President. “I like MacD’s, and other presidents have indulged in a wide range of other intestine-blocking foods. Well, those don’t just make your guts sluggish: your toilet is slowly getting clogged arteries. Hate to see a good toilet go down like this. Can we inject bleach in it?”

The presidential Tech Science problem solver weighed in on the aftermath: “We had to get a nuclear powered roto-rooter with really thick titanium wire brushes, due to the age of the house. Without getting into too much detail, we could actually tell with each rooter pull-out which presidential era we were hitting. It took 7 hours to chisel away the Franklin Roosevelt era; he really liked beef and custard wizzards, a very thick desert. We see many fossilized chunks of undigested steak, each larger than a silver dollar.”

“The porcelain explosion was unexpected, and it sent shrapnel deep into the wall. It’s a good thing the President was in a hurry after flushing, or he would be tush-up on an operating table all week long. His trip to Zackistan will continue as expected, and he’s bringing a load of fiber and stool softeners, out of respect to the airplane commode,” said spokesman Tim Varny

Ignoring the sound of muffled laughs in the crowd, the President said with deep sorrow in his eyes as he issued his first ever apology, “It was a great toilet. I will never harm a toilet like this again.”