Man in the Moon : No Longer Smiling

The re-assuring smile just disappeared. The Man in the Moon now shows a peculiar frown, and scientists say it changed overnight. “The moon didn’t rotate. The smile didn’t fade. As the evening rolled in, the face was just different,” said one astronomer. “It looks like the moon is… judging us.”

Satellite imagery confirms that the moon’s features have somehow re-aligned, showing quite a bit of visible disappointment.” In a classified briefing, one analyst described it as “the expression your grouchy stepdad gives you when he finds out you do improv.”

Panic has not yet set in, but the Pentagon has entered what it’s calling “pre-hostile lunar watch mode,” and Elon Musk has offered to “punch the moon square in the cheek” if granted full orbital weapons control.

Japan has reportedly turned its telescopes away, claiming “It’s a rude expression, and we’ll not be staring back.”

Meanwhile, NASA is trying to cast a projected image onto the surface of the small celestial body, to “force the moon to smile again”.

A TikTok trend to “apologize to the moon” has led to troves of people crying and kneeling in the street, like at a dictator’s funeral, to please the new regime.

Bizarrely, the Vatican issued a statement clarifying that while the moon is not God, “it might be middle management.” This has sparked a secular campaign fueled by several billionaires, who call the moon “a little jealous planet”.

Seed funding has begun, to find Earth an emotionally neutral replacement moon, possibly one of Jupiter’s many. This came after the moon’s expression shifted into a subtle smirk after the Dow Jones dropped 4,000 points, possibly citing national malfeasance as the reason for the sour face.

[PHOTO: Moon Shares Genuine Dislike]