Reader Finishes Entire Contents of Internet

If you have reached this post, you may just be a super-fan, as this is the earliest post we have archived! We know this is a scary moment, because “what do I do now?”.  Well your journey is not in vain, as you are about to have a tiny glimpse behind the Wizard’s curtain, inside the chocolate factory, and between the very fabric of Slapweek:

We thought we’d give you a glimpse into our motivations. We cross the globe and fight desperately to deliver to you the sharpest news possible, truly news that slaps.

It may not be apparent, but our creation system is complicated, consisting of thousands of hot wires, two interstellar S.O.S. sound systems, and thousands of tiny mailbags carried by electric super snails. This relies on a strange migration pattern, and bribery scheme with foreign governments, and exotic leaves for the snails.

We fight to keep this crazy system together out of love.  Love is our true motivation, despite the gnashing grumbles. Here’s the truth behind our heart’s song:

Every person involved with Slapweek is so obsessed with YOU.  Every one of them have written countless detailed emails to our HR department swearing everlasting love to you specifically! It may sound crazy, but the moment you arrive to our website, the whole office partakes in 45 minutes of standing applause. The women sob with happiness, the children messenger boys squeal with delight, the grown men stare benevolently and nod with great approval before breaking into thousands of perfectly popping hi-fives. It is our absolute purpose in this life, perhaps the purpose of the entire universe, to bring you exactly what you want: cutting edge news that informs and delights.

Our Electric Super Snail Network:

We couldn’t be happier, every day, to cut through the mud, to sizzle through the gunk, to blast high definition vocalizations that would make a gorilla’s mating call seem irrelevant in comparison. We ask only that you visit us and say hello! As you have done so far, blessed prince of Earth-topia. Don’t be a stranger, we want only one thing – to see you here making our life’s work viable, and worthwhile, because without you, there is simply no purpose.

We have speculated what we would do without you. The truth is, we would wallow in a half-built cabin in some wilderness so remote, no one could find us. We would live out our last days eating shoe leather, and accidentally consuming poisonous plants we thought were edible. So grim are the days that would pass without you, there would be nothing left to do, besides transport to another dimension with some kind of Tibetan trickery. So please, never give us a scare, come back again, so we can feel our hearts explode with happiness.

Much love in your quest of human life exploration.
Please don’t forget, we are here to champion the cause of comedic news because the dark side of life is a beast and it remains the only way to tame it’s sick desires! All 185 million of us must saddle and mount that giant white stallion together, fighting in unison against the cruel witches and dark demons that may or may not surround us.  We will slay the slights of ridiculousness, one by one, and together make a fine future for the lads and lasses that follow us into oblvion.
Cheers, and may you have everything excellent fall right into place, and everything stinky and stupid roll away like a tired old dog that won’t stop trying to bite your face while you try to refrain from getting angry about it to impress that busty young lady.