Elon Musk Can’t Decide: “SuperHero or SuperVillain?”

The man with unlimited mental capacity has daily dilemma: save humanity or bring them wallowing to their knees. He has spent many years solving large problems, and wonders about potential to savagely improve your live, and gloriously ruin all hopes of understanding the world at large.

“It’s important to know that I want everything to be better for all humankind,” Musk said in a recent interview, “But I also think it best if I were to be their masters. It would be nice for humanity to beg for my inventions instead of challenge everything I say on my new social media website.”

Musk discussed intentions to buy seven television networks, and infuse both political parties with his interests, to begin his new project “Puppy X,” a plan to convert Americans into servile neurotic dopes over the next couple decades.

“It will just be easier that way,” Musk concluded. “If someone will rule humanity, why not myself? I’m pretty good at running things. I’ve made average looking electric sedans accelerate faster than F-1 racers. Also there will be rewards, and my adversaries will be crushed. Everyone’s tweets will be harvested and fed back to them in a way that mangles your self-autonomy worse than a triple dose of some wicked acid.”

Some speculate that we might need some kind of protection in case Musk actually goes full super-villain. Washington has begun crafting their first open superhero program to combat this possibility, but mostly it has only attracted neurodivergent young men with Chinese stars, bats, and homemade explosives that typically fail when deployed.

“It’s a work in progress,” said government official Luke Ritiv, “But it satisfies the donors for now, so we’ll revisit this again when I’m re-elected next year.”