“Looks like the Epstein files have been corralled and are now on a rocket heading straight to Jupiter. Reporters caught wind of the news just before launch, and they flooded the tarmac entrance, demanding answers. The official statement was released moments later in a rushed press conference, “We think there are super intelligent citizens of Jupiter who will bring clarity to this completely confusing legal case. A case that has baffled authorities at all turns. We simply do not understand the names, the list, or the highly detailed visitation schedule left by Epstein. That’s part of the unending mystery of these documents. Yes, our agents can read just fine, it’s theorized the list is under some kind of Japanese spell that can only be unbound on the planet Jupiter. Due to the confusing nature of these files, and the urgency to solve the case, we can’t delay the launch that is taking place roughly one hour from now.”
A whistleblower leaked: “Our final observation just before launch was that the files were hermetically sealed an an electronic nuclear bomb shell. When questioned about the casing, an official stated: “The bomb shell is just for protection: we have no intent to explode the documents by locking them inside a very real nuclear bomb and sending them into outer space to explode. Thank you for your.…” and the speaker abruptly left the stage.
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