Federal Reserve to Invent New Kinds of Money

The Federal Reserve announced Tuesday that they have run out of ideas to inflate the economy. They added that “There is no way in Frosty’s bright hell we can pay off a 30 Trillion dollar deficit.”

Inner circles have let out a few leaks, but we’ve finally busted the case open with the help of an anonymous whistle blower: “Most of the financial crew in Washington haven’t slept well in over a year. There’s basically no connection to reality in terms of what money is anymore. It took time, but after observing the phenomenon of bitcoin and people’s willingness to invest in scam after scam in shitcoins, the D.C. thinktank came up with a new idea.”

Our truth whisperer revealed, “We decided that people will really pile up on any bandwagon that’s made, ever, so long as enough people join them on that journey. What goes better with dumb than opportunity mixed with completely fabricated ideologies that have no basis in reality? Nothing, that’s what. They go great together.”

I pressed for further details, asking, “How can we have a new currency based on nothing?”

“Not one new currency; a second, a third, a fourth, and on and on. We’re just going to keep inventing them. If you have one glass of water to slowly fill up 30 empty glasses, people really think there are actually 30 glasses of water. Even if you do this right in front of them, they will always say 30.”

I replied, “Not everyone though right?”

“Our experiment went further, the few people who speak up and call ‘bullshit it’s just one glass of water’… if we shock them electrically, shave their head, and rename them “Poopy” on their official birth certificate they will come around, and agree with everything we say.”

How can you do that to a few million people though?

“We can’t. Of course. Too dirty. Instead what we can do is make a game that most of the dissenters are smart enough to win, and we give them some of the new currency for winning that little game. After that, smooth sailing. No one complains, and the duped actually applaud the whole situation because it confuses them, and they are scared of that. So they would rather just agree.”

So the future is 30 versions of the American Dollar?

“We’re thinking more like thousands, like the stock market.”

This boggles the mind really, I don’t see how you can get compliance with the whole population.

“We’ve been doing this a long time. In fact this is one of the milder mindf#cks we’ve worked on. The whole D.C. crew is sleeping like babies and the rollout of American Sha-coin, MILFdollar, and GoldenTeepees are right around the corner.”