Freshman Football Player Decapitated

“Gary’s beheading might be a bit shocking for the ladies, but the kid was obsessed with football, just cursed with a tiny body. Based on his interests, I think Gary would be satisfied with his exit,” said Cole Tramm, parent of another freshman player. “Sure, a four week football career is pretty short, but most tackles sent him flying, so it probably felt like a whole season. He took on a big challenge, I say good for him! I mean, up until the thing happened.”

Head of Sports, Vickey Schnotts stated, “He was really bad at the sport, but we try to get everyone on the field at least once per game. Makes them feel better than riding the bench. They can go out there and wave to their parents in the stands.”

Incoming lawsuit details: “Frail child fed to the wolves”. The family’s lawyer says it’s an open-shut million dollar lawsuit from day one after she first saw the video of the flying guillotine tackle. In the video the head coach was laughing and said “Maybe we shouldn’t have let an 89 pound freshman join the varsity scrimmage. Some of those guys use steroids and they weigh 200 – 300 pounds.”

The head coach’s official interview: “We thought it’d be funny, and kind of encourage Gary to hit the gym harder, since he cried like 3 times in summer training camp. There’s no crying in football. Well I mean, people are crying now about his death. So yeah, I guess there’s crying.” Our interview video tails off following Coach Johnson has he clutches his clip board and saunters aimlessly down the hall.

“I’ve never been prouder,” said Bam Jutley, parent of the varsity athlete that beheaded the freshman. “It’s like he was actually me, running down that field, and then he took that six foot running spear dive, helmet to helmet. Hell yeah it popped his head off. Hell yeah.”