Man Surrounds House With Tall Pines: Block “Heinous” Neighbors

An Arkansas man grew tired of seeing piles of trash and angry weird people surrounding his house all hours of the day and night. Coupled with a year of Twitter toxicity, and three separate nights of political arguments with his in-laws, Bill Sheckman, had enough. “I was feeling angry all the time, downright grouchy. I needed some kind of change. I spent my life savings on nearly a hundred full grown pine tree thingies to block out the world, air lifted them in with a helicopter.”

We met up and asked him for details, and he began abruptly, “I know what you’re thinking. This looks crazy. I just don’t want to deal with them anymore.”

“Who exactly?” I asked.

“People, all of them.”

“Loneliness can be quite a curse, does it feel lonely being hidden away like this, I mean, you can’t see anything except a wall of pine?”

“Well I get out when I want, that hasn’t changed. I just needed the insulation. One row of pine thingies was pretty cool. Two rows felt surreal, like a psychedelic experience. But three rows… that’s hand of God wrapped around my small abode.”

“Why not go with a wall?”

I was shot down: “That shit’s expensive, you kidding me?”

“It did work for China against the Mongols.”

“Man, you sound a little crazy,” said Bill.

“Just like you my friend, just like you.”

“Hand of God my dude, believe it when I say it.”

I drove home that day thinking of pine trees. Then pine nuts, which I started craving, so I bought some at the gas station nearby. I chewed on those tough little pebbles until my dental crown popped. It split open in the right in parking lot. This made me super irritated, which got me thinking about the man I just interviewed. I found his twitter account and messaged him with one last thought: “No you are the one who’s crazy.” Bill and I went back and forth like that for about an hour via Facebook messenger, escalating in insults until we were both shadow-banned for inappropriate content.