Marathoner has 32 Rounds of Runner’s Diarrhea

No one makes it through life without an emergency case of the runs. The uncomfortable condition was first coined by a researcher named John Diarrhea. This week, Marathon runner Elden Huxbury has broken a couple records, the oldest man to win a national marathon (52 years), and the most chocolatey bursts emitted during such a run.

“A half hour into the race, something wicked started to happen,” said runner Bill Wang. “We started to smell things that were making it hard to stay focused. It was like death or defecation. Little of both. It grew stronger every passing minute.”

“I was in second place, but that old guy got in front, clearly using all his energy to get in first place. Then he started running weird, like he had a cramp or something,” said Violet Shawbux. “That’s when I caught the first wind of the stench – I was about to pass him, but I heard this farting sound, and then my shoe was covered in the brown smelly death juice. I couldn’t stop dry-heaving. I had to stop the race. That’s the footage of me there, laying in the grass face down, trying to get that devil’s goo off my shoe.”

“Marathon runners are given cups of water every couple miles during the race. Every round of water seemed to make things even worse. There was brown everywhere. The amount of people quitting because of rotten fecal odor was staggering, the whole race almost cleared out and Huxley was winning even at his slowing pace. We see footage of him running awkwardly. It appeared the expulsions are causing a lot of cramps, his face is buckling in pain and he’s clearly pushing with his abdomen every few minutes,” says video editor Tim Balsch.

“We started to realize something strange was going on,” said showrunner Chip Walley. Someone in the road camera crew blurted out, “Is this on purpose, like a strategy”? That’s when the mic really dropped. Things started clicking. We went into full investigation mode. Huxley finished the race in first place minutes later, but our work was just starting.”

“We analyzed the water his support partner was giving him, and it was almost pure laxatives. We commandeered Huxbury’s racing uniform before he could dispose of it. His shorts had a small opening on the rear, with a draw string pull-mechanism, so he could shoot jets of rancid fluid at will, and close the flap back up. The sports commission tested the feces and it consisted of expired meat, stinky cheeses, and durian fruit which smells like rotting corpses. There was only a splash of pasta mixed in, for runner’s energy. Race-hack or con-job, hard to say which.”

“Now when we watch the tapes, the look in Huxbury’s eyes tells a different story. The expression is a strange mix of pain, humiliation and there… a touch of reveling in victory. This expression has never been seen before, so no one recognized it,” relayed the marathon commissioner. “We can’t take his medal away since there’s no rules in the book for squirting Diarrhea all over. Well, there are now.”