Historians are declaring the capsule “a targeted attack on modern whining.” As the wax seal was broken, and the old oak cover removed, onlookers gazed at what was locked inside:
– three rusty daggers stained with “the blood of kings”
– twelve scrolls and many folded papers with images and messages
– a carved wooden hand flipping the bird
Some of the papers contain messages addressed “To The Future Babies”, and include quotes like: “Oh no, your coffee machine didn’t sync with your personal communication machine. We shat in jars and prayed for soup.”
The lead historian revealed a scroll section describing fingers lost to frostbite while building a bridge out of reclaimed wood and sadness. One folded message, written in Latin simply reads: “Stop being a bitch.”
A portion of text reads “We do not stink and washrag ourselves daily, so quit saying ‘people all stunk back then’. Less whimpering in the culture, more spear training.”
Further down the scroll there are illustrated attempts at future-gazing; the historic writing reads:
“The distant machine-mind overlords of the future will surely mock thee for your weak dependence on the lightning in a bottle that runs the machines.” One image shows a man arguing with a black rectangle labeled “Brain Cube.” Another image depicts a woman filing a lawsuit against her own business.
The capsule’s wax seal even over-layed a tiny note that was revealed only after breaking the seal: “Open When Civilization Has Become Over-burdened with Flaccid Behavior: 2025”
“They really thought we’d have solved everyday quips by now. They assumed inventions would rule the world, and that we’d whine about it,” said Professor Elaine Brew. “Instead of reveling in our futuristic glory all day long, people are live-streaming therapy sessions and attacking each other in video comments.”
One notable historian read aloud a portion of the scroll: “Medieval Europe died screaming so you could stop sending mini messages about burnout and maybe build a barn.” The historian daydreamed for a moment and then confirmed, “the capsule is deeply disrespectful, but historically accurate.”
The USA is now assembling a 500 year time capsules for us to bury, “now complete with viscous burns, like the Middle Agers, who roasted our chestnuts dearly.”
[PHOTO: Renaissance Burn, Incoming!]
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