United Healthcare CEO Has No Regrets

“My job was to make the company as profitable as possible. It was a wild success. Sure, I had to take one for the team. We used an A.I. algorithm to auto-deny as many requests as possible. It removes the human element altogether, as there was simply a limit to how many claims adjusters we can hire that are willing to deny claims at such a high psychopathic rate. With A.I., that number is infinite. We didn’t have to find as many aspiring demons for the job, so our efficiency grew.”

This very real message was coming to us via our spiritual medium, Tavia Brovo, who sat in her cushy office chair, in front of her very high-tech crystal ball. She was nearly motionless, except for small jerky reflexes of the neck and spine. Her eyes remained rolled to the back of her head, as the magical holographic projection of the famous CEO in his new location hovered in front of us.

The CEO continued: “I’m still running the company from the afterlife, and our trajectory is 97% claims denial, end of year. Yes, I do miss my family, and I already hate the 3 square meals of human feces – it’s literally the only thing to eat around here. But now I’m a 7th Realm Master Brigader in the fireworld. I’m currently working on Satan’s personal A.I. auto-recruiting software. It’s exciting stuff. He’s already seen a 2.5% bump in demon army growth since I’ve been here. The trick is giving people better opportunities to screw each other over. We figured out how to cut through the matrix and sprinkle chaos more evenly: a dagger here, a bag of poorly made drugs there – a giant ghost wedgie on an infantile lunatic on the subway works evil-miracles. A.I. can just find way better placements for those chaos triggers.”

We asked him how he spends his free time: “I go down to the lake of fire and try to enjoy the view. It does require some ingenuity as the demi-goblins try to eat my feet and genitals as I try to relax – not too much different than mosquitos I guess, though I’m already down one ball. I mostly get a kick out of time jumping and seeing the look on people’s faces when they learn we denied their perfectly valid health insurance claim. It’s a special kind of joy, and Satan gives us permanent access to time-jump for inspiration purposes. I know I’m completely f#$ked up, but that’s why I eat s#it three times a day. And did I mention I’m already down one testicle?”

We asked about his future outlook: “I’m really proud to say I already received my first “Almost Apocalypse” award as a Hellfire Brigader: see I almost got Putin to hit the big nuclear button when our A.I. spotted a weak moment in his psyche, just after he watched the Hallmark movie “Jennifer’s Big Promotion”. That movie left Putin amped and on the verge of tears, as dreams of legacy danced in his head. We almost had him. We’re getting a sequel to the movie made right now.”