We Actually Need More Chemicals in our Food

“The modern world revolves around chemical development. Chemicals are everywhere, from toothpaste, to glue, to every type of plastic and new age fabric. We need them to support our way of life,” said Mark Anthony, FDA spokesperson. “We all understand the need for good health, that’s what gyms and doctors are for. All this talk about taking ‘chemicals out of food’ is too broad to dissect the issue.”

Mark swears that his deep connections with the large corporate food industry has no affect on his outlook. “My previous jobs chairing the largest snack food company in the country give me experience, nothing more. My marriage to a giant food conglomerate heiress gives me access to even more… knowledge. Accusations of corruption are insane. Some people are saying large corporations have run reckless, but look at all the delicious snacks we have made!”

Mark also swears that, “We don’t need less chemicals in food. We need MORE chemicals in food. Chemicals give us everything we need. Did you know that most vitamins are petroleum extracts, coal tar derivatives, and chemically processed sugar? Sounds weird, but they are vitamins – so that’s clearly good! A lot of imitation vanilla is also a petroleum extract, and who doesn’t like vanilla!”

“Just because Europe bans a little food coloring because it MAY cause cancer in a few people with crazy immune systems, doesn’t mean we need to throw the baby out with the bath water,” said fellow FDA chairperson Anna Clark. “Chemicals are good – we clearly need more good.”

We found a health expert and vocal whistleblower, Marge Hemlo, who stated:
“As usual the food pyramid graphic released is hiding a ton of information. There are food chemicals included that are not displayed. Companies are free to put this stuff in our food, it’s infuriating and ridiculous:
– bovine growth hormones
– antibiotics
– 132 Forever Chemicals
– .003 nm or smaller micro plastics
– Industrial plant oils
– petroleum residues
– mainline sugars
– sugar alcohols
– cancer causing food coloring
– pure oceanic mercury
– addiction triggering chemicals

Our whistleblower added, “We have found a few companies just adding the stuff on that list just to add cheap volume to the food, and to play with our dopamine channels to create addictions. We literally found a tuna manufactured adding more mercury. We found a cracker company that uses 70% wood cellulose. What the f#ck.”

We tried to follow up with our whistleblower but she had mysteriously fallen off an old bridge, as usual.