Wompa Moves to Main Character

Disney is reviving a long forgotten character, and thrusting it into center stage. “Wompa is a formidable warrior, just short of Jedi skill level. His species deserves a broader roll in the Star Wars universe. We’re reviving him in a big way.”

Wompa’s new role was developed by a creative team that ventured into places unexpected. “Social dynamics took over, and the Wompa-warrior storyline was back-burnered for something more interesting,” said a member of the storywriter team, Mac Bailey.

“We’ve always needed someone for Chewbacca to bang. We trialed a human female lover, but it gave everyone unsettled feelings, like she was dating a dog. When we connected the dots, we developed the romance between Chewie and Wompa rapidly for the newest film. The new movie in development would originally climax with another Sith battle, but the team leaned in for an unexpected twist for the final scene.

“The final scene was basically a two minutes sex scene with Chewie and the Wompa, really getting at it. They started gently, but it got really aggressive at the end, beastly even. Test audiences reacted with a mix of hysterical laughter and absolute horror. The executives shriveled and the scene was cut, but the internet got ahold of the footage as usual. Basically, someone setup an OnlyFans for Wompa and posted the deleted scene – in one weekend the account netted $100 million.”

“Money talks,” said the Disney CEO. “We’re trying to figure out who Chewie could bang next, and we’re in talks to buy the entire OnlyFans platform, which means crossovers bangs with Marvel and the traditional films. It’s going to get really hot in here. I never saw Disney going this way, but we’ve run out of ideas.”